College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know