[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.