When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
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Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
is this a threat
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send