This came to me in a dream.
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WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Flock of bats
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Seals are just dog mermaids.