I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Breaking news:
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.