Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?