What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
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I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
You’ll be OK
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“No way.” -Jose
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.