This could’ve been an email.
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Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Still a very good boi….
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity