Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Come back with a warrant
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Time heals everything 🙂
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.