Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
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Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
dads on road-trips be like
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.