At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
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My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
So inspired right now.
Same pineapple, same
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
HOW DARE YOU
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs