My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
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My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.