Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.