*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
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I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Damn what did I do next
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??