Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Facebook memories be like
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home