Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
My love language is deader than Latin
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I found your tweet-up…
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu