Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
(2022)
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.