I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.