Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
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Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?