Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap