Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Steam Forums
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
This kid will have a bright future.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out