I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
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Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing