me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
this is 10/10 content no notes
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.