I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Match dot com, but for socks.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.