*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
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Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid