HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: Iâm so sorry ma’am, heâs in training here’s your tall blonde roast
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause Iâm barely holding it together
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like âtodayâs the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they dieâ
â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I donât even think about it when Iâm here
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more đ
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and youâre like glad i missed out on that shit
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
âą The cat wants to be fed.
âNow, remember,â I say, waving my tweezers. âYou eyebrows arenât twins; theyâre nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfatherâs will.â
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free