TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
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Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
May never get over this
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
new wife guy just dropped
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Challenge accepted.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50