Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
You Might Also Like
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?