Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”