Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Coffee is ready.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.