Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.