Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
You Might Also Like
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
WHY?!
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’