Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
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#math
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…