The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.