My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.