[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
You Might Also Like
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!