me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
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Trying
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it