Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”