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ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is