I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
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I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
dads on road-trips be like
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other