Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
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Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.