My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: I’m a mature adult
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