me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
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just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato