5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
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My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Happy weekend !
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.