Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
You Might Also Like
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Watermelon Boss!
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!