me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.