1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Oh. My. God.