My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
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7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I cannot call her anything else now
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Got ya covered
*swipes right on my hand mirror