Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Pretty much. 🤣