tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
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Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.